Am I ADHD or not?

2003-07-24T17:39:00.000Z

Today
It is my 2nd day on Dexedrine and I still felt a little calmer and more patient, I still lost my temper, but seemed to have a split second in which to analyse what I was doing and to control the severity of my anger.

Wednesday 23rd July
I took my first Dexedrine tablet (5mg), I was very nervous about starting this medication, cos it doesn't seem as popular as Ritalin and I have not found many personal accounts of people using it, the few I did find were from one extreme to the other, so hence the apprehension.

Anyway I took it and I don't know if it was a placebo effect, but I did feel a little calmer today.

Tuesday 22nd July (my birthday)
I got my prescription for Dexedrine - cos the Ritalin isn't doing anything for me.
Today was a good day and bad day, good cos it is my birthday and I got presents :) but also cos I got my prescription and visited family, it was a bad day cos all afternoon I had terrible stomach ache which I think was due to too much chocolate the day before, though I could be wrong.

2003-06-22T07:56:00.000Z

Yesterday would have been day 4 of 5mg morning, 5mg afternoon, but as this had no effect on me, I skipped 2 days and went straight to my next dosage - 10mg morning, 5mg in the afternoon.
This again has no effect on me, but I will stay on this dosage for 3 days and then move onto the next dosage.

2003-06-19T13:04:00.000Z

Well I finished my first 5 days on Ritalin on 5mg in the morning and it had no effect on me at all.
Yesterday I started on 5mg in the morning and 5mg in the afternoon and still no effect, wish I could just skip to a stronger dose, but better safe than sorry and follow the recommended doses.

2003-06-14T10:43:00.000Z

I think yesterday was mainly a placebo effect, cos as soon as I swallowed the tab I went a little light headed for 0.5 second and with all the anticipation, excitement of finally getting the tabs, it was a big placebo for me.

I took my second tab this morning at 8:30am and so far no change, I have just been waiting all morning for some effect to take place, but none so far.

Anyway it's still very early days.

Friday 13th June
Got a private prescription for 200 tablets - cost £57
This is how my dosage is starting :-

Ritalin 5mg each morning for five days.
Ritalin 5mg each morning and 5mg in the middle of the day for five days.
Ritalin 10mg each morning and 5mg in the middle of the day for five days
Ritalin 10mg twice daily.

I took half a 10mg tab this morning and was anxiously waiting for something to happen.
I felt a calmer (chilled out) and whilst shopping with the wife I was taking my time browsing the aisles instead of running around them.
My temper control has improved by about 5-10%, I still felt a bit anxious at times, but overall felt a positive, time will tell when my dosage goes up, which I definately feel it needs, but for today - positive.

Of course today is only my first day, so will see how things progress in the coming weeks regarding doses.

I have a follow up appointment at the end of next month too.

2003-05-30T19:49:00.000Z

WOOHOO

I went for my assessment today, train journey and 25 minute walk from station (it was a nice sunny day), finally get to the clinic to find out that we came to the wrong one GRrrrrr.

My fault really (partly, long story), so we had to get a taxi for the 20 minute journey, cost us £21 taxi fee :(

Anyway, got to the correct hospital and the assessment began. I was asked all about, my childhood - my behaviour, school etc, sleeping, temper, anxietyand attention span, and lots of other questions.

He then told me I was ADD and that I also had OCD and something else which I can't remember, but once I get my copy of the report he is sending me next week, then I will add to this update.

He talked about medication and that I will be on Ritalin, which once my Dr gets the report, then my Dr can write me presriptions which I hope he will do (vaguely remember my GP telling me that if I get diagnosed then he will have no problem writing out my prescriptions.

So I should have the report next Thursday or Friday, I am looking forward to it.
Thats all for the moment, I don't think its really sunk in yet, that I have been finally diagnosed ADD.

2003-05-28T10:42:00.000Z

Got a phone call from the clinic on Monday and they said that my appointment can be brought forward to this Friday 30th May, I said yes.

I am feeling quite anxious about my appointment, I will be crushed if I am diagnosed as not having ADD/ADHD, but I am 100% convinced that I do have the disorder.
Obviously its my low self esteem and negative outlook that is making me feel this way.

2003-05-16T08:36:00.000Z

Got my appointment confirmed in the post yesterday and I am having mixed feelings about it.
After all this time being messed about by the NHS, I have decided to go private, the fact that I now have an appointment provokes a lot of emotions - I am looking forward to it cos I will eventually find out whether I am ADD/ADHD or not, though I am 100 % certain I am.

My other emotions are fear that I am not ADD/ADHD , because of my low self esteem and negative attitude, I feel that everything is going to go wrong for me - damn I hate these feelings, why can't I ever feel positive and optimistic for a change.

Funnily enough, my appointment is on June Friday 13th , but as I ain't superstitious I ain't really bothered, but its the wait thats gooing to be difficult, I will be counting those days til its appointment time.

2003-05-07T09:11:00.000Z

Counselling History

Have had counselling for the following and nothing worked for me :

1) Anxiety
2) Depression
3) Hypnotherapy for confidence, anxiety and anger control.
4) Anger Management

I am 34 yrs old, unemployed, miserable and despise myself and the world around me.
I have always had these feelings about myself and the world and hated myself for being like this all my life.
I have tried thinking and being positive, it works for other people and they seem happy - I try this approach and fail miserably.

All my life I have had sleeping problems, as a child I was on valium to try to get me to bed/sleep, as I got older, my sleeping patterns got worse - my active imagination (active in that it wont stop thinking) would see things in shadows and scare me - I wouldn't get to sleep, so I had to sleep with my parents or sisters.

In my teenage years it was the same, till I was 16 then I could goto bed on my own, but it would take hours to get to sleep - this has been the case to this very day.
I thought I had defeated my sleeping problem early last year - by going to bed and I start day dreaming till I got to sleep, this worked for a couple of months and then wouldn't work again.

School was a waste of time - I was painfully shy and had very low self esteem, which was made worse by the fact that I couldn't learn anything, why? because as soon as the teacher started to speak - I would day dream or just find it impoosible to pay attention and absorb anything, this made me believe I was stupid and useless.

So I started playing truant or just stayed at home, cos it was obviously a waste of time to goto school - I remember my worst subject maths, the teacher always expected me to come last in tests and I never disappointed her.

So growing up I became reclusive, whenever relatives came to visit, I would run upstairs and hide in my bedroom, why? because I felt so insignificant to everyone and so inferior, that and the not being able to follow what they would say to me, cos it would turn into blah,blah,blah to which I would just nod to and feel myself going red with embarassment because of my uselessness.

I was always bored and remember that I used to mate around with some lads who lived over the road from me and we would be in there house and when it was dinner/tea time, my mum would shout me, I would run home and eat my meals as fast as I could and then go back to my mates house - whos mum would always joke with me saying "do you have your meals in a bottle?"

I also remember quite vividly that when I had no one to play with I would be looking through the window, so bored and frustrated that I would break down in tears with frustration.

I left home at 17 yrs old, because living at home with my parents was unbearable - every conversation would turn into an argument with them resoting to "oh ok, your right, you always are", I would get so furious and storm off feeling even more useless and feeling hatred towards them.

From 17 - 34 (now) I had lots of various factory work, hated them all - they were so boring and made me feel even more useless.
My last factory job lasted 7 years and it was 7 yrs of hell, the people were arseholes only interested in making everyone miserable or getting one over on everyone.
The boredom was the worst thing, different jobs could only be made copable by trying to have fun with work colleagues, then the last couple of years in the factory started to take there toll on me.
Each day was more difficult to get me to work, all the time all I could think was that I was wasting my life being there, I was better than this, I could do better.
So each day became hell, I started having little panic attacks before I would goto work because I knew how boring it was going to be and I just couldn't cope with it.
Til eventually I almost had a breakdown and ended up on anti depressants and I packed the job in.
At this time, my wife had gave birth to our daughter, so I felt really guilty about packing the job in, but knew that my well being was more important than a job.

I was now a house husband and quite enjoyed bringing our daughter up, it was hard work, but enjoyable.
A year or so later, I worked up the courage to got community college to brush up on maths and english, I really enjoyed this cos it was on a 1 to 1 basis and what I didn't understand, the tutor would go over as many times as necessary till I understood it, I loved the maths, forthe first time in my life I could understand it and it felt great.

College

After I finished with the community college, I was brave enough to goto college full time and learn something that I had always had an interest in - computers.
What I enjoyed about computers was configuring and stting them up and setting the software up.
So I made a few mates at college and the course began, but it was the same thing again, I couldn't pay attention to what was said and I was constantly asking my mates "what did he say".
As the course progresses, I learnt less and less whilst my mates understood and learnt from the course - I didn't, it was the same with conversations with them, I would be constantly asking them to repeat themselves and then nod my head as if I heard or understood what they said.
Finishing the course would have been impossible if it was exams, but it wasn't, you just had to hand in written reports on the course subjects - this was accomplished by 90% of the pupils by copying work from internet sites and editing them. I could do this and passed it.
I then did some small City & Guilds course which were a farce i.e. tutors who couldn't teach and tutors who knew you couldn't do the course so did the exams for you.

So now I hated college and realised it was useless and a waste of time, but yet I carried on and started a HNC in Telecommunications/Networking with my mates, 1 quarter of the way through the course, one of my mates dropped out cos of family problems and course problems i.e. we had to do a module on Analytical Methods for Engineering, which was A level plus maths.
What a joke, it was impossible for me to do, so all the asignments were done by a friend. The rest of the course was a waste of time too, cos as before I couldn't absorb any information and reading books was impossible - I would read a paragraph over and over again and nothing would be absorbed and I would end up needing a sleep.

Miraculously I finished the course knowing full well that I only learned about 4% of the course and this was the job I would be going for, yet I knew nothing.

Discovering ADHD

It was around August/September last year that I first heard about ADHD when my mum asked me to research it on the internet, when I did and saw symptom checklists, I felt like crying, cos it was like reading reports about me and now I finally know what is wrong with me.
After this discovery I approached my Dr in hope to get NHS funding to see a specialist in London, after 6 months of messing about I was eventually turned down, but was told that they would be looking for someone local in the Northwest. After waiting a few weeks to hear nothing, I contacted the NHS to be told that the person they founf to treat me has left and they are now looking for someone else, I phoned a while later to be told that they may be sending me to a clinical psychologist - which is a waste of my time, cos a psychologist cannot prescribe medication which I believe I need.

Now

Now I am waiting to get funding from a relative to go private to get assessed for ADHD.